Miscarriage

*Disclaimer: some parts of this post may be TMI... just skip over them or don't read this one.

Things change so quickly in life and you just have to roll with the punches... but some times that's hard. Just last month we were joyfully announcing that we where expecting baby #2 but last week I started spotting and not just blood but blood clots in discharge. They where so small and I remembered having a little spotting with Brynlee so I didn't think much of it.

Last Thursday I had my first Dr. apt and after going over family history and what not I was disappointed when my Dr said we wouldn't do a Doppler or any thing because I was only 9 weeks and baby was still too little to find a heart beat. So I went down and got my blood tests and tried to do a urine test but it is really hard to pee in a cup when you just went in one 20 mins ago! So I went and picked up Brynlee from a friend's house and we went home. That afternoon I went to school and after 30 mins of visiting we where given our final. 20 mins into the final James called me to let me know he was on his way home sick. I had been sick the Sunday before and still was not 100% so I knew how he was feeling and why he didn't remember I was in class. I finished up my final in another 10-15 mins. We where allowed to leave when we where finished so I went and picked up Brynlee and we stopped at the store to grab some things for James, to make him feel better. Later that night James went to class even though he wasn't feeling well.

Friday James called into work and stayed home sick so we stayed home and Brynlee and I took care of him all day.

Saturday morning James still wasn't feeling well and when I went to the bathroom in the morning there was quite a bit of clotted red blood on the toilet paper and it had me concerned so I called the on call Dr. the Dr said that it could be a miscarriage but more than likely was nothing to worry about, but he also advised taking it easy and calling my Dr on Monday if it got worse. So I went through that day as normal and the flow never changed. I had a steady flow of think, red, mucusy, clots flowing from me. It rarely reached my underwear but it never lightened in color or flow either so Sunday I decided that I needed to just sit all day and James still wasn't feeling well so I didn't go to my meetings or church and just sat on the couch and watched James play video games, while Brynlee ran around. By the end of the day the mucus seemed to be less bloody and more clear.

Monday I woke up to a big red clot on the toilet paper and decided I should call my Dr. I called at about 930 and the nurse told me she would call me back and let me know what the Dr wanted me to do. she called back at 945 and said it would either be blood tests or an ultrasound and scheduled me to come in at 1145. She called back around 10 and told me the Dr wanted me to have an ultrasound. and called me back at 1015 to let me know the ultrasound would be at 11! I then had to rush to get ready and get out the door in 15 mins since it takes 25 mins to get to the hospital and another 10-20 to find a parking spot!

When I got there I let James know I was there and he said he would come up if he could but to call him if it looked like bad news and he would come up no matter what. I got there and after paper work and waiting a tec in training took me back and checked everything. We started with an abdominal scan and she said at 10 weeks she should be able to find baby from the top but couldn't so she checked my other lady parts (and couldn't find my left overy, lol)and then started a vaginal ultrasound. From there she said she found what looked like could be a fetal pole but it didn't look normal and then asked me several times if I could possibly be closer to 6 weeks than 9. I tried to do the math but couldn't even think. I thought "well maybe, but not really...." I think I was trying to convince myself I wasn't miscarrying before I knew for sure. The girl took several pictures and took them to the woman who was training her that day. That lady came in and looked at the girls other pictures and decided to start from the beginning. she started by checking my lady parts and then a receptionist peeked in and said James was there waiting. I said he could come in but no one told James and they just kept going so a moment later I looked at the lady and said "He can come in!" and they let him in. She had just moved on to check the baby and James stood by my side holding my hand when the tec told us that the baby was measuring close to 7 weeks and had no heart beat. she said she would call my Dr upstairs to see what they wanted to do next. and let me clean up.

At that moment I really was fine, I guess in hind sight I was in shock but felt fine. James looked at me like I would break down in tears any secound but I really didn't feel like crying, I just felt like "it's okay, this happens, we'll just try again..." The Dr then gave me about 20 mins to get something to eat and wanted me to come upstairs to her office. So rather than eat I went down stairs with James to his office and sat with him for a few mins then headed up to the office, texting my friend who was watching Brynlee to let her know it would be a bit longer. I got to the drs office and checked in. I was taken back after just a few mins but waited for what felt like an eternity for the dr to come in. She said I had 3 options, 1 let my body try and just do it's thing, 2 take meds to make my body do what it should, and 3 surgery. I chose option 1 and she gave me a prescription for pain meds and told me that if I changed my mind and wanted the meds or surgery just to call and have it done. when I left the receptionist asked if I needed another appointment and I told her no but she could cancel any future ones. I walked back down to James' office to tell him what was going on. I started to feel small cramps and pinches but they where barely noticeable, I told James and he said maybe now that my mind knows what my body already sis things would go more quickly... I hoped, then headed home. I dropped off my prescription, got stuck behind a car accident,  then finally relived my friend from Brynlee so she could put her son down for a late nap. I called my friend Sasha and arranged for Brynlee to spend the night in hopes James and I could have some quiet time together and hoping I could finish what my body was doing that night. James picked up my prescription, some Ibu, and some pads on his way home (I love my husband he is so helpful and sweet and takes such good care of me but the pads he bought are HUGE! they take up my whole underwear from front to back! I might as well be in a diaper but I have to admit he did good for knowing the problem, the expected blood loss and for not knowing pads lol, I love him!) and we just relaxed the rest of the night, after telling everyone what happened. By the time I headed to bed it seemed the blood had stopped all together, I was so confused! James went to bed around 2200 and I followed about 45 mins later. I stayed awake in bed researching miscarriages, checking FB, and reading till 1am when I finally tried to fall asleep. I woke up this morning to more blood and the realization of what was happening finally starting to hit me. Now here I sit feeling a small pinch here and there but still hardly noticeable.

I checked our bank account and realized that between this and being sick we are once again short on cash, I am torn, I want my daughter at home with me so I can hold her but at the same time it is so nice to be able to deal with this in the quiet without her here, it makes me wish she was in school so she could be gone just a few hours a day while I deal with this. Now I feel a little like crying but also feel like I should clean up around the house and at the same time just want to lay in bed or sit in a hot tub for a while... and yet I am just sitting here not knowing what to do.....